The Gnomads Cricket Club (Touring)
v Colwyn Bay (14/07/02)

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Match Report

by Lofty

Colwyn Bay Sunday July 14th.

"The greatest match that never happened".

This truly remarkable fixture was without doubt one of the most Gnomadic in recent years. The day dawned bright and cloudless. Gneville set off in his beloved MG, the top down, its classic lines only slightly spoiled by the presence of Gneville's passenger, Lofty. As Gneville toked contentedly on his pipe and Lofty took discrete puffs on his inhaler, they shrugged off the dusty environs of Greater Manchester and headed west on the M56.

It is at this point in the story that the first of a remarkable set of events occurs; the MG started to emit even more smoke than its driver, whilst losing power at an alarming rate. Having come to rest on the hard shoulder and after several abortive attempts to coax a little life out of the engine, it became clear that the MG, at least, would not be going to Colwyn Bay.

After a successful call to the AA and several unsuccessful calls to various Gnomads, Gneville set about the important task of ensuring that the kit and scorebook (both of which were in the MG) found their way to the match venue.

And so on to the second remarkable event; the call from Segovia. The Hargreaves party had been travelling towards the Welsh border when they happened to spot a familiar looking vehicle on the hard shoulder. On the off chance that it was indeed, the club chairman in a spot of bother, a call was made, whereupon the aforementioned chairman was able to confirm that they had identified him correctly. Segovia had room for a small one, plus an additional kit bag and retraced his steps via the next and previous motorway junctions in order to effect a rescue. So everything was back on track, minus the unfortunate Gneville.

Upon arrival in Colwyn Bay, Segovia was able to combine his extensive knowledge of the locale with his photographic recall of the route taken to the ground on previous visits to ensure that he got totally lost. Fortunately, after a mere half hour the cricket club was located and a small group of expectant Gnomads spilled out of the Hargreaves charabanc, to feast their eyes on the magnificent ground and beautifully maintained square, basking in the sunshine of a perfect, cloudless July morning.

To top it all, the Gnomes were fielding a full eleven players for a change. What more could one ask for? Well, an opposing team for a start.

Our friends at Colwyn Bay had done us proud; they had successfully fought off several challenges to their booking of the ground over previous weeks. They had assembled a team of eleven keen players, booked a chef and barbecue for the post match celebrations and ensured that jugs of beer would be on standby for delivery to the field of play every four overs. With everything in place for the match of the season, the Colwyn Bay captain called the Gnomad fixtures secretary to confirm the arrangements; unfortunately he was in Mexico. But no matter, the Colwyn Bay team had a second line of Gnomadic contact in Sluice, who had established the inter-team link in the first place. Sluice was in Majorca.

After a few days of fruitless telephoning, the Colwyn Bay team was reluctantly stood down on the Thursday evening by which time, unbeknown to them, the Gnomadic anticipation was approaching its zenith...

There was obvious disappointment on both sides on the day, not least on the part of Gneville. In the following days, the fixtures secretary valiantly took full responsibility for what in actual fact had probably been a bit of a team effort cock-up in true Gnomadic style.

So what can we learn from this experience? Well, Gnomads have an infinite capacity for delivering a surprise result, one way or another. The enthusiasm of our friends at Colwyn Bay remains undiminished and despite this setback, they intend to reschedule the fixture for next season. And finally, asthmatics shouldn't accept lifts from pipe smokers.