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All Gnomads gathered at the Royal in Hayfield around 3:00pm on Friday 1 September, and the majority sported pink and green of one kind or another. Ale was flowing freely and it was good to see that some Gnomes who could not make the tour putting in an appearance to see us off.
Veins, who may well have toured for the last time owing to his imminent departure for pastures new in the sunshine of California, was presented with a potted history of his tour achievements, i.e. a list of the times he was elected tour tosser, and a copy of the minutes from the first ten AGMs. He sported a sign saying, "Daughters of Los Angeles lock up your mothers", and was well on his way to a gyro failure by the time we boarded the bus.
The trip to Llandudno was uneventful apart from the Knobheads narrowly defeating the Intellects at Trivial Pursuit, and the disaster of the second bottle of red wine being corked!!
We pulled up outside the hotel underneath the Great Orme, and the Mole Rodels felt the need for a spontaneous rehearsal, much to the amazement and amusement of others strolling along the sea front. Once inside, Gnomes went to their respective rooms and brushed up before re-assembling in the bar. Everyone wobbled in to the dining room and enjoyed a hearty dinner before re-assembling in the bar. Two Bricks took out his guitar in the lounge, tuned up, played two bars of "I Saw Her Standing There" before being told by Basil Fawlty that this was not a good idea, and would not be tolerated. Colin called him a chef's hat and everyone re-assembled in the bar.
On Saturday most of us managed to struggle down to breakfast, and although conversation was subdued, we learned that the opposition for the afternoon had cried off and we would be playing amongst ourselves. Some went off to play pitch and putt, some walked and some just sat on the balcony taking in the sea air. At lunch, everyone re-assembled in the bar prior to leaving for Colwyn Bay for our afternoon cricket practice.
To say that the ground was poor is to greatly understate the case. There were bendy wickets that wouldn't stand up, an artificial pitch on which you couldn't bounce a superball, and the grass was so long we came across two Japanese snipers who thought the war was still on. But the Gnomes are nothing if not resilient, and Desperate put himself straight in to the running for Tour Poseur by taking a hat trick. This is from the man who has begged me not to bowl him whenever I have captained the side. Downstairs beat upstairs by some runs and we all took the coach back to the hotel and re-assembled in the bar.
Saturday evening took on the usual format, whereby the musicians on tour loaded up their instruments and set off for a local hostelry. The Mole Rodels set up in the Queen Vic (Llandudno, not Albert Square) and proceeded to entertain anyone who took the time to listen. It is worth noting that the landlord was a little concerned that everyone was leaving, but I prefer to attribute this to England's match with France having just finished, rather than any disrespect to Duvet and Co. Once the repertoire had been gone through, our illustrious chairman played a tune or two on his sax before yielding the floor to Two Bricks. All in all, an enjoyable evening was had by all. Everyone staggered back to the hotel at different times, and so didn't re-assemble in the bar.
Sunday morning, much like Saturday, was spent relaxing in the form of pitch and putt or walking. Those who tried to get a drink before returning to the hotel were reminded of the draconian licensing laws in this country (and Wales) and so everyone made their way back to the hotel and re-assembled in the bar.
The highlight of the tour was reserved for the Sunday afternoon when we made our way to the beautiful ground at Colwyn Bay. This was where Steve James had hit over 300 in Glamorgan's recent record score of 718 for 3 declared. The likes of Viv Richards and Ian Botham had played on this ground, and Gnomad mouths were visibly watering. Everyone assembled in the bar and made ourselves known to the opposition, the Colwyn Bay Bar Critics, before going upstairs to change. Gnomes batted first and were pinned down to begin with. Up until the eighth over, there were more overs on the board than runs. But Paul Richardson, possibly feeling guilty about running out Ian Almond, decided to open his shoulders and runs began to flow more freely. Eventually, the innings closed on 136 off 30 overs.
We were, however, lulled in to a false sense of security when we took five quick Bar Critics' wickets. Ara took four, all bowled, and the Gnomes looked on course for a comfortable win. This was when the Bar Critics decided to play their trump card, (or cheated, as some Gnomads put it). In came a batsman who made Botham look like a pusher and prodder, and proceeded to clatter the bowling to all four corners of the ground. As a result, the Bar Critics won with about six overs to spare. A good day's cricket, however, and everyone agreed that it was a pleasure to play in such an arena. After the game, everyone assembled in the bar, and pleasantries were exchanged with such cries as "Bleeding ringer", and "Glad Duvet took me off, Patrick".
Neville presented the opposition with the traditional Gnome, and received a Colwyn Bay club tie in return. Photographs were taken of both sides and everyone re-assembled in the bar. After about another half an hour of banter, the Gnomads were poured on to the bus for the journey back to Hayfield. The journey was uneventful apart from the Intellects stuffing the Knobheads at Trivial Pursuit.
Once in Hayfield, everyone alighted at the Royal and assembled in the bar. Veins was still there and he swore they'd been sweeping round him all weekend. Much jolly banter was had and, after the bar closed, everyone wended their way home having had a great weekend.
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